A pal once asked me to accompany her to a JCC service. She was on that “I’ve turned over a new leaf” tip & wanted me to see how it happened.
Initially I was like “Not bad. Nice ambiance. Good crowd. Praise & worship seem to be on point.” Then the REAL service began. Think the Superbowl has too many ads? Try a JCC service. 1hr of ads. Back to back. ALL of them about the Kiunas & how they’re “saving lives” Then some junior pastor comes on to preach. I thought the BS was over.No.The Kiunas rolled in.
Mr. Kiuna has TWO bodyguards shadowing him,stiff-arming anyone Kiuna gets close to. TF do you need security for? Protecting the Word of God? Mrs. Kiuna has what looks like 2 PAs. One to carry her handbag,another to hand her things or take things from her. So anyway,they come in & space “is made”behind them for their entourage. Guys are forcibly removed from those seats.I was one of them.
PA 1 proceeds to unpack Mrs Kiuna’s bag. PA 2 starts loading something on her iPad. This circus was ridiculous. Every time the pastor refered to a Scripture Verse,PA 2 would hurriedly reach for the iPad,find the verse & hand back the iPad.Celebrations of excitement need to happen? No problem. PA 1 whips out a white handkerchief from the bag.I’m just watching in disbelief.
Mr Kiuna gets on to preach. You’d think he was a rock star guys had been curtain-raising for. Band goes wild,guy on drums is having a seizure. By now my religious skepticism has fully kicked in,so I can barely hear anything coming out of his mouth. But I did hear this: Mr Kiuna mentors men. These men come over to his house,iron his clothes,polish his shoes. THAT is the programme.
He calls out some guy,who proudly stands up. This guy apparently has been shining his shoes for 5yrs & he’s “sad to let him go” Wow. Don’t know what kinda mentorship programmes people run,but I don’t think slavery is part of the agreement. Yet guys are lining up for this!
Just when I think I can’t be any more shocked,Tithe & Offering starts. This is the bit everyone needs to pay very close attention to.So the Kiunas do the 1st Offertory round. “We need to build/expand something” The usual church contribution stuff. The money comes back,gets counted & the Kiunas decide “No. These guys can chuck more” LITERALLY. They said “Guys,we know you can do more.” So they instruct the ushers to do ANOTHER round. Meanwhile convincing you that if you give all you can,God will do all HE can.
?!?!?! Haiya. We’ve dipped into our pockets TWICE for these guys,while being given constant stink-eye by ushers. But the show isn’t over.
Mr Kiuna declares that its Mrs Kiunas birthday “And we all need to get her something wonderful”
“Doesn’t my beautiful wife deserve a gift?” Again Praise & Worship team starts whipping guys into a frenzy. And JCC does a THIRD collection round. To buy a gift for a ‘Millionaire’.Money gets back to the stage & gets counted. Do you know how much money was raised? They announced it so proudly & I couldn’t believe it. Close to 200k. Yes. About KES180,000.To buy a gift for a woman who drives a Mercedes E200 Kompressor 2014.
And the messed up part of all this? The Kiunas announce this like they just raised money to cure Cancer.
AND THE CHURCH GOES WILD!! As her SECOND car.
From that moment on I was done with JCC. There’s nothing you can tell me about that church. That’s a biashara being run & you’re the clients. If you say you go to JCC for the Word,good for you. My Bible App has the same scriptures they’ll read out.But there’s no way I’m hustling so hard on these streets just to make money to fund the Kiunas. No way.I’m just waiting for akina Moha to do a Jicho Pevu on that Church. Shit doesn’t add up.
My name is Koome Gitobu. And I’m a JCC survivior. Thank you for your time.